This is My Life... Welcome.

This was no Quixotic endeavor; although, there are those who would disagree with me.  It may have seemed a bit foolish, impractical, rash, and possibly characterized by lofty romantic ideas.  I like to call it spontaneous, creative, fearless, and living out loud and boldly.

2012 is close to an end.  Only 44 days left of this year of learning to be Bold.  This has been one of the Most impressionable years of my life.  It was a year of struggle, learning, discovery, and spontaneity.

A great friend of mine once told me, in the midst of great depression and self loathing, to be Bold; to be courageous and face my doubts and fears with a bold and confident air.  How had my mind and soul become so knotted, gasping for air, straining against the confines of their imprisonment?  The dark, oppressive air of a lifeless and lost soul constricted my thoughts, my desires, my dreams, and my ability to discern basic emotions.  The labyrinth of my soul led straight to the center of a desolate and melancholy void.  

A beautifully adorned mask with glittering jewels and polished gold concealed my tormented soul, but I neglected to see the fragile fissures and their elaborate web in the substructure.  I wore my mask daily in an attempt to conceal the albatross that closed about my throat tighter and tighter still, strangling me till the light in my eyes had almost been snuffed out.  The only thing that kept that glimmer of hope was my family and friends.  They were my anchors.

This was NOT the life I wanted to live.  This was NOT the path I wanted to continue on.  This was NOT my destiny and the more I fought to break free, the more the chains tightened.    

Be Bold.  Two simple words.  Once spoken that night while we sat under the stars, talking about our lives and the changes we needed to make, it suddenly hit me.  Be Bold.  I had some work to do.  I pondered her words for a month or so; letting them filter through my brain, seep into my soul, and trickle into my heart.  I practiced being bold; small things here and there.  

I realized all too soon, that to be Bold, I had to face my fears, make life-altering changes, and find a new path.  No, that's not right.  I didn't need a new path; I just needed to take the path I was on and make some changes, reroute.  I no longer wanted to be on a single path.  I didn't want to take the road less traveled.  I wanted to take multiple roads less traveled.  I wanted to create my own roads and discover what lay ahead.  I was now on a journey to create my own road map.  It was time to be BOLD!  

"Babe, do you want to move to Colorado?"  With that simple question, the chains began falling from my soul.  I was starting to breathe again; not shallow, painful breaths, but deep, cleansing breaths.  The gold mask fell heavily from my fingers and landed in the dust as I walked boldly toward my new life.  I was not running away, but embracing a dream.  It was time to live my life boldly. 

I have been living boldly for 4 months. 

My road map continues to grow.  It's not about where you live either, but that you live your life boldly.  I am living my life.  I want to see as much as I can of this beautiful country that God created.  I want to discover, explore, and Live.  I don't want to have any regrets or wish that I had done more; seen more.  I am busy living life boldly and enjoying every second.    

This is my life... Welcome.

Copyright © 2012 Life's Casual Observer blog, Lauren Espinoza

A Police lineup!

It has been safely locked away in a vintage, sea green suitcase.  The edges of the case are frayed, the stitching worn, and the handle nothing more than rusted, cold metal.  I know it’s still there, resting between fragmentary, faded memories.  Every few years I pull it down from the top shelf of the closet; lonely, half-forgotten.  The dust filters through the air and invades my nose as I breathe in the musty odor of antiquity.  The rusty locks are intact, secure, and untouched.  It has not moved, has not been touched by another, nor has it been freed from its confines.  But how can that be?  Years have passed; ages it seems, but, still it finds its way back to me more often than I care for.  I thought, in my foggy, weak state of mind, that locking it away would keep it from coming back time after time.  I thought I was freed, but I know; I’ve always known that it cannot be contained, controlled.  It slips out of its confines to make its way back to torment me.

“My head is whirling in the darkness, yet it’s not dark but an overwhelming void.  I search frantically through the void, groping, stumbling on the corpses of others who could not find the light.  It is a heavy quilt suffocating the innocent sleeper.  Self-loathing wraps its long, writhing tendrils through my soul, squeezes my heart, injects its dark, heavy ink into my veins.  My heart aches from the wound I made with a sword molded and fired by the Devil himself.  I tear my heart desperately trying to ease the awful pain.  I want to stop the pain!  PLEASE STOP THE PAIN!!!  The void tightens its grip, squeezing life from my body and mind; leaving me in nothingness.  Nothing.  Darkness has won another victory.  I was its prey and it overcame.  Victory to the darkness, its victim has fallen.  Nothingness consumes my mind.  I feel and see nothing.  The darkness has control.  No pain, no fear, no regrets.  The darkness has won yet another battle.”

Don’t panic, don’t worry… This blog is about Hope, Love, and Recovery!  If you have never suffered from depression, please keep reading.  Knowledge and understanding breed compassion.

Depression is an ugly shroud of deception!  It takes over an otherwise logical and contented mind and fills it with doubt, paranoia, anger, defeat, self-loathing, fatigue, worry, and uncertainty.  I have lived 43 years with Depression and it has been a battle that has not yet been completely won, but I am one hell of a fighter!  I don’t give in easily and I won’t lose this battle!  As a matter of fact, I’m ahead on the brightly lit scoreboard.  The Home team is in the lead and the visiting team is struggling to stay in the game.

Depression is a fog that creeps across the soul and into the mind; slowly and deliberately.

It’s a fist that slams you in the stomach swiftly and unexpectedly. 

It has no playbook, no coach, no offensive coordinator, no specials team.  It’s a rogue out to steal your sanity and happiness! 

It shocks me sometimes how stealth depression can be.  Life is moving along just fine and suddenly one tiny, little thing happens and Depression attacks full force, without notice, without compassion. Then there are those times when you suddenly realize that depression has slept with you, walked with you, stalked you for weeks and even months and you were clueless to its presence.  It was soaking in, seeping into every pore, every cell, and every atom ever so slowly saturating your core.

And, I have to say, one of my Pet Peeves is when people say: “You don’t look depressed or act depressed.”  Everyone’s depression is their own unique experience.  It’s not quantifiable. It’s a police lineup and every person in that line is guilty.  Every one of them has a different face, a different MO, a different victim, but they are all called by the same name:  Depression.

I know people whose souls and hearts are suffering greatly from depression, but their outward appearance is one of smiles and positive expression.  We have great actors in this world and they are not all on the silver screen.  They do not all win Oscars for their stellar performances.  They are sitting next to you in class, they eat potluck with you at church, they live in the same house, and they work in the office next to you.  They suffer every second of every day in silence. 

One of my favorite quotes I’ve seen on Facebook is:  “Sometimes when I say, “I’m ok”, I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say, “I know you’re not”.”  My burden, so often, seems too heavy for me to bear; I couldn’t stand knowing that I might have passed my burden on to someone else.  That is why so many suffer in silence.  I know it’s not the ONLY reason, but it is one.  There are times I’m ready to burst with the pressure of holding in so much depression.  There are times I want to talk to someone and let it all unload, but I don’t.  The thought of sharing my burden with someone else makes me even that much more depressed.  I don’t want to be the next dump truck unloading on an unsuspecting, innocent person.  I’m tough, I can handle the load, I can carry it further, longer, I can suffer some more. 

Or at least that’s what I tell myself. It’s the lie that springs too easily from my lips, travels the highway of neurotransmitters in my overwhelmed brain, and sears itself in my limbic system. 

To Be Continued…

Copyright © 2012 Life's Casual Observer blog, Lauren Espinoza